Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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