Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
