I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
