fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
