So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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