the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
