The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
