even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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