My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
how drunk are you?
Several
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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