Your face is a jimmy john
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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