I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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