I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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