I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
