if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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