If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
