Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
smell my finger.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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