I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I just shit out all my problems.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
