i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
