I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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