How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
