WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
