I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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