M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
