I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
