The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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