Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
