if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
