We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
