im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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