Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
