So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I smell stomach acid.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
