god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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