my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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