I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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