i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
FUCK WHALES
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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