omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
