I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's shark week go big or go home
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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