i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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