Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
