Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
