how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
