I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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