how can u be prego again
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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