Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
