Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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