i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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