I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
