what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
