I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
