I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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