I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
