I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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