i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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