APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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