I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
