i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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