We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
