btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
