Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
